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(3 blank stares | make me fake it, baybee. )

of course-- it's never that simple [12 Mar 2003|08:56pm]
[ mood | crappy ]



(make me fake it, baybee. )

watch me choke on my own tongue [23 Dec 2002|03:59pm]
[ mood | weird ]

when does the pain stop and the pleasure begin..or is it one in the same? intertwined like the muscles above a women's uterus. I think that it can be one is the same. I felt like laying down while taking a shower once again today but i turned off all the lights. i can't really explain the pure emotions i'm feeling. they are extremely intense. i feel like if anyone touches me emotionally or physically i'm gonna explode with feeling. all my insides are pushing against the surface waiting it barge out at any second. if my life really was a movie and i had special effects and all that shit it would have been like my mind getting to a point of no foreseen return and suddenly slits appearing all over my body and thick dark blood such a deep red it looked black, would ooze out. i laid there for 2 hours..with water that sporadically changed temperature hitting me..thinking the most intense thoughts. i thought that i was going to combust. fuck. if someone were to suck that feeling out of me i think it would be glowing that's how much energy and shit is in it. i kinda wanna a physical showing of my feelings. i want my body to show me what's going on. i seriously doubt that slits are gonna suddenly appear or fire is gonna come of my skin but i really wish that my body was that powerful. then, i was thinking wouldn't it be kool if i was surrounded by ice and i turned blue. heh. i mean, i don't think i will ever really be able to explain what i felt and what i'm still kinda feeling but all i know is that it gave me so many kool movie ideas or scenes or what have you. i am screaming internally. mental adrenaline. during all of these combustication thoughts, feelings, etc. i couldn't help but notice all my imperfections they shined through like strands of light in a dark room. then i just wanted to leave my body and become the wind. i felt so ugly. i can't take it anymore. well, i'm not gonna go into too much detail about that. it doesn't feel right. the point is now everything is extreme, chaotic, intense, magnified, amazing, full of wonder, full of pleasure, so indulgent.

(3 blank stares | make me fake it, baybee. )

erm [10 Nov 2002|09:21am]
[ mood | groggy ]

FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time there has a young WIGGER named BRYAN. He was HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING in the DUMB forest when he met PRETTY STEVE, a run-away INTERPRETIVE DANCER from the SCARY Queen JAMIE.

BRYAN could see that PRETTY STEVE was hungry so he reached into his TUPPERWARE and give him his YUKIE CHEESE. PRETTY STEVE was thankful for BRYAN's CHEESE, so he told BRYAN a very HOT story about Queen JAMIE's daughter RACHEL. How her mother, the SCARY Queen JAMIE, kept her locked away in a STRAW HUT protected by a gigantic KANGAROO, because RACHEL was so LOVELY.

BRYAN SAT. He vowed to PRETTY STEVE the INTERPRETIVE DANCER that he would save the LOVELY RACHEL. He would KISS the KANGAROO, and take RACHEL far away from her eveil mother, the SCARY Queen JAMIE, and FROLICK her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a TITILLATING WIND and PRETTY STEVE the INTERPRETIVE DANCER began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic KANGAROO from his story. SCARY Queen JAMIE ROLLED out from behind a BAR OF SOAP and struck BRYAN dead. In the far off STRAW HUT you could hear a YELP.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

(make me fake it, baybee. )

dumdum dizzy dizzy dumdum [09 Nov 2002|11:31pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i actually miss him...*stares at the screen* this is crazy..does this make me clingy? eww, i hope not. i mean, it's just an emotion. *lol* why am i even writing this?

(make me fake it, baybee. )

girl scout's honor [08 Nov 2002|05:30pm]
[ mood | curious ]

++she wore her smile today-she felt enchanted-she is still kinda weary++

(make me fake it, baybee. )

sucka love [08 Nov 2002|05:24pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

RecentlyDistrest: jamie


xso over thisx: *haha*..i say you revolt
RecentlyDistrest: chain myself to the bathroom?
xso over thisx: yeah!!
RecentlyDistrest: lol...with what? rubber bands?
xso over thisx: yeah!!! no stringed pop corn!
RecentlyDistrest: yeah! oh no...but they can eat my chains.... how bout dental floss? it IS the bathroom after all
xso over thisx: yeah..then if you are there for a longtime you can floss maybe
xso over thisx: or they can, to get the pop corn outta their teeth

(make me fake it, baybee. )

eeek..that was great [07 Nov 2002|08:01pm]
[ mood | amused ]

XSpiral VisionX-julian


xso over thisx: i caught myself watching dr.phill today..i was like "what has my life become?!"
xso over thisx: *lol*
XSpiral VisionX: LMAO!!!!!
XSpiral VisionX: you fucking rock
xso over thisx: goodness gracious..it was madness
xso over thisx: *lol*
XSpiral VisionX: what was it about?
xso over thisx: like this guy that spit on his g/f or something and she was in jail..*lol* i came in at the end of the story but even though the guy was an ass she still wanted him
xso over thisx: i was a bit confused
XSpiral VisionX: if I spit on you would you still want me?
xso over thisx: *lol* um, depends..why would you spit on me?
XSpiral VisionX: like... it was probably an accident...
XSpiral VisionX: LOL
XSpiral VisionX: I dunno
XSpiral VisionX: now I'm thinking about the guy
XSpiral VisionX: like he said something to her
XSpiral VisionX: and a little bit of spit got in her high
XSpiral VisionX: eye
XSpiral VisionX: not high
XSpiral VisionX: LOL
XSpiral VisionX: <~dumbass
xso over thisx: *lol*
xso over thisx: he knew he was a jerk so i doubt that it was casual spit tossing
XSpiral VisionX: casual spit tossing?
XSpiral VisionX: LMAO
xso over thisx: *LOL*
xso over thisx: what an activity
xso over thisx: *hahaha*
XSpiral VisionX: for some reason
XSpiral VisionX: that sounds fun
xso over thisx: *lol*
XSpiral VisionX: like
XSpiral VisionX: as an all guy activity.. spit tossing... seeing how far they could spit
XSpiral VisionX: or like a guy and girl thing
XSpiral VisionX: like massive violent kissing
xso over thisx: *LOL*
xso over thisx: which i'm sure many have done each

(make me fake it, baybee. )

wilted [02 Nov 2002|11:22pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

they say i'm jaded because they know it's true..

to be honest, i don't really like writing what i think because i get bored so quickly. I get dissatisfied with typing or even writing about things that I really don't want to explain for fear that i come off too weak or i don't really even know how to explain. But, considering the day i've had i'm gonna risk it and dive head first into this whole "writing what i'm actually feeling" business. Bear with me, that's even if you got to this sentence without being completely uninterested.

I woke up feeling empty and alone, how i have been feeling a lot this week. *rolls eyes* and it's because bryan is back and my emotions are exposed for everyone to play with. oh, heh, and maybe because I gave into my dad and we kinda are on speaking terms. That's the hard part about feeling after you try so hard not to feel for sucha longtime. Every little thing hits your heart hard and kinda makes you emotionally dizzy for a couple days or in some cases a couple weeks. The good news about this week is that I have made amends with my lovely and dear friend monica. *smiles* We have been through so much together and I'm glad that we worked things out. I wanted something temporarily pain altering today so bad. I had a fight with my mother about her incompetence and lack of being around, for the 100th time this year..or lifetime. She got offended and we had our bicker for about 20 mins and of course, i cried because i'm weak as hell. Sure, I was strong enough to say stuff to make her feel bad but by doing this does that even qualify as being strong or just more fucking weak? So, she left and I cried in my sad corner and listened to mindless..heh. good 'ol mindless. Laying on the floor, in the dark, loud music blasting from my small computer speakers and all i wanted is some kind of pill and a drink. I seriously considered ending it but don't get all fucked up and think i want attention because I don't even have the guts to tie the rope into a nuse or get the glass of vodka to suck down all those aspirins with. I can't do it because I have a little voice screaming in my head, telling me, giving me hope that I might have a better future where I don't have to rely on so many people. Maybe, to just keep on going. Okay, suicide, out of the question. what else is there..i wanted drugs so bad and I probably would have done them if I had them but lack of energy to figure out how to get some and lack of transportation left me with me tears on my cheek and jimmy in my ears. My mom came back and was afraid to leave me alone but I told her it was alright I didn't bullshit with her I told her just what I told you now not to worry because I'm weak and I can't end it. So, she left kinda hesatently..but brought back fight club<3 and mulhulland[[sp?]] drive. Then, she went with sam and I have a feeling that they talked about me because when they came back he was a nervous and asking me if I was okay. whatever. But, fight club made me happy..it was fantasic. seriously it was enchanting. We are having all these complications with the car my dad is sending down..not with the actual car but how to get down and everything. He felt really bad that he couldn't bring it down and he hated that he disapponted me but to tell you the truth I wasn't disappoitned. From an early age my father told me that he will disappoint me constantly and to get over it life isn't perfect. But, now when he actually has to try and care, i don't, but he knows i'll drop him faster than a raw egg in an egg toss if he does anything to hurt me or even make me mad. People know not to fuck with me because they know they are wasting their time because I probably don't even care if the waste their oxygen on me and then they leave drained trying to hurt me. suckaz. Speaking of people, Matt Garcia..yes, Mateo himself saw my picture in mon's locker and i guess was amazed and I guess it doesn't help when mon tries to make him hard by telling him in detail what I was wearing on halloween. *lol* ;] He wanted me to go to their game. Whatever..you know how emotionally scaring that relationship was? I think I aged 5 years. It's been like 8 months since we last spoke and now he wants some. fuck him. But who knows I'm so fucking lost and broken that I don't really even want to care so why not get with an enemy. fuck it. Haven't been able to get a hold of eric. kinda miss that boy. I'm so not into bull shitting right now, so if you talk to me and I don't respond as usual that's because I'm not acting for you. Deal with it. I really don't know what else to write about i mean I could probably go on forever but i know that would suck. Well, all that's left is that six feet ender rocked today jeremy sisto<3 and again fight club kicked major fucking ass! We will see how mullhul...makes it later this evening. movies are my sanctuary.

(3 blank stares | make me fake it, baybee. )

smells like flowers [02 Nov 2002|10:10am]
[ mood | groggy ]

halloweeeeen pikz..

*drunk faery*


*gypsy*


jenn: ??? jamie: her dad/mr. dovale

(make me fake it, baybee. )

HAPPY HALLOWEEN SUCKAZ!! [31 Oct 2002|10:14pm]
[ mood | horny ]

just to clarify-
XcomaXtoastX: bryan
Trisinary: steve

*haha* i bet that was of interest to all of you

xso over thisx: molly was a good girl..
XcomaXtoastX: hahaha
XcomaXtoastX: and it felt great to be a liar
xso over thisx: you bet it did
XcomaXtoastX: hahha
XcomaXtoastX: did it?
xso over thisx: mmmmhmm
XcomaXtoastX: heh
XcomaXtoastX: i bet
XcomaXtoastX: did it feel GOOD? ;-);-)
xso over thisx: *lol*
xso over thisx: O:-)
XcomaXtoastX:</b> you know it did

I had a super halloween DRED GUY=HOT!!! =D

(make me fake it, baybee. )

*sunshine-sunshine-sunshine* [29 Oct 2002|10:40pm]
[ mood | sick, tired, but smiley =) ]

xso over thisx: sounds fantabulous
Trisinary: lol
Trisinary: who we inviting?
Trisinary: just me and u?
Trisinary: or others
xso over thisx: whatever..just no one that will steal the spotlight
Trisinary: lol
xso over thisx: ;]
Trisinary: what spotlight?
Trisinary: lol
Trisinary: i want a spotlight
Trisinary: then i could really be god
xso over thisx: *lol*
Trisinary: and i could damn people to hell for no apparent reason
xso over thisx: :-D what a job

he has this way of making me sparkle instantly..*he is my sunshine*[[along with dave]] =] he probably wouldn't like that name *hah*

(1 blank stare | make me fake it, baybee. )

on a lighter note.. [27 Oct 2002|01:13pm]
[ mood | blah ]

last night
•cat and the hat set
•familiar boy walking[[shhhh]]
•downtown disney
•plastique grape
•various tarts
•gross fresh air..my poor smeller
•cousin nancy
•i was prepo, heh
•jenn getting wet off some hot boys in the corner
•angels fans gone wild
•jenn: "GO GIANTS!!" *lol*
•no band =|
•abecrombie model "buy my sweater..you know you want it.."

i <3 *little fry* n' *sugar plum*







<33

(make me fake it, baybee. )

my heart has grown cold [27 Oct 2002|12:44pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

how does it feel?
how should I feel?
tell me how does it feel?
to treat me like you do



he doesn't deserve this..he deserves what he gives. poor poor boy. who wouldn't stand inside his love? he hurts and that kills..



TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!

my anger is growing like ivy..beware my dead friend if I come in contact with you i might not hold myself to the censors. I feel empty..thank you for crying, laughing, talking..thank you for asking for my advice..and for walking next to me..thank you for wasting my time. ha, you were jealous. too bad i was never jealous of what you had so you can't hold that against me. i was always fucking upbeat for your ignorant ass. go fuck your young boy. rot in your hell.

(make me fake it, baybee. )

i'm looking to the sky to save me [23 Oct 2002|09:42pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

ha. *mister* called to see if i was hungry or if needed anything..I was tempted to be bad and pretend to be hungry so that he would come over without my mom being home. *lol* eric would've been very proud. okay, this is getting weird but scandalous. I wonder if my mom called him? hmm. *hahaha* ;]

XcomaXtoastX: how have you been?
....

xso over thisx: i got my license yesterday
XcomaXtoastX: congrats
XcomaXtoastX: :-)
xso over thisx: thanks luv
XcomaXtoastX: *applause*
XcomaXtoastX: *cheering*
xso over thisx: *lol*
xso over thisx: *bows bows*
xso over thisx: *blows kisses*
XcomaXtoastX: *happy gestures of congradulations*
XcomaXtoastX: heh
xso over thisx: i would have called you but my ego and pride were just too blown up these past weeks
XcomaXtoastX: hahaha
XcomaXtoastX: sweet
XcomaXtoastX: will you be on tommorrow?
xso over thisx: probably
XcomaXtoastX: cuz i gotta go
XcomaXtoastX: iight?
xso over thisx: kaykay, ttyl :-)
XcomaXtoastX: peace out my nizzle

I want it to be saturday morning because then I would be happy that I'm doing something semi-fun.

alrighty, i should be off..I gotzta be readin'..

(make me fake it, baybee. )

cool sounds [23 Oct 2002|07:14pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

*brrR* i'm cold..*grrr* I want to hear 'bed of roses"-mindless.. ryan was kind enough to play it for me last night. *smiles* merci! The*brrR* i'm cold..*grrr* I want to hear 'bed of roses"-mindless.. ryan was kind enough to play it for me last night. *smiles* merci! There is no good music anywhere! >\ I need to get cold play, foo fighters, queens of the stoneage, mindless..a lack of good music drives me insane.

*gasp* mr. smiley[[bry]] has resurfaced..I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad he is back..??.. I should be ecstatic but I kinda still miss...him..does that make any sense? By this hiatus i have lost faith in him. pure lunacy

++she sits, sweet dave hits her eardrums++

All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost


(make me fake it, baybee. )

giant rat that's nibbling on my pride [22 Oct 2002|05:07pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

life is so weird..

"written 10.21.02 in algebra class: you ever feel like your walking around your life? like things occur but when you think about them it just seems like another act in a play, your life is an ongoing performance. I can never really look at my life from the inside. I'm never experiencing, I'm just playing the part. Whether is be dissatisfied daughter, confident friend, argumentative granddaughter, or mad-sad girl..once I realize what role suits me best for that situation, i follow suit. The bad thing is when real things happen I can't just react I have to think "how would I think in this situation?" I find myself feeling so sure about everything and everyone. It makes me have an ego the size of an air balloon. Living in this way, thinking non-stop about my life, myself, I begin to lose reality. When I get home, and I have to live and act for myslef I draw a blank...???..."

I'm on the brink of sadness..and happiness..uneasy

what went wrong?
-haven't talked to bry or mon in weeks, but I don't care enough to actually call them. *hahaha* who would've thought that the love of my life and my best friend of 5 years would suddenly just disappear..heh, i guess that's how life goes..detach time
-broke my diet [[it's a whole mental game I play with myself]]
-my grades suck
-cold *sniffle-cough-sneeze*

but she's still smiling..
-my mom and i worked out are differences, for the moment
-i got my license
-my dad and i are talking [[???]]
-dave ghrol
-i'm starting yoga classes
-my fun cousins[[rach, nic, pat, joey, sean, luke, nessa..]]
-sugar plum and little fry [[even though I feel like they are plotting againist me sometimes]] paranoia
-eric
-will & grace
-cinnamon tea

i could go one for days because simple things make me happy..

oh..

-steve [[my pretty baybee *lol*]] ...???..


Well, it looks like there is more happy than sad..hmm..



on the way to the mountains my gram and i had this long conversation about love..it was beautiful..

i told mother that I would do the dishes so I must be off..

lovetoloveyasuckaz!

(make me fake it, baybee. )

sunshine [20 Oct 2002|10:40pm]
[ mood | still cynical ]

oh, i <3 dave ghrol..he makes me smile. I've been wanting to say that since friday.

(make me fake it, baybee. )

i wanna shoot up.. [20 Oct 2002|10:21pm]
[ mood | cynical ]



how would you commit suicide?


I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother right now. I so want to just go out right now and get plastered and fucked up. I feel sorta irritated with conflicting views I have with a friend. Why do people have to get so jezebel?! They have to be angels here because up there it will be perfect, or whatever. I would feel really bad if nothing they believed in exsisted, how sad. People spend there whole life working towards this imaginary goal. And it is imaginary...I could understand if we lived back in the bible days where all the shit went down but now everyone just goes by what's in some book that supposed to be what to live by. ...???... this might seem weird but, WHAT IF ITS ALL BULL? *rolls eyes* anyone who is straight edge, i don't care if you are religious, shouldn't be looking down on people who aren't and visa versa. I don't know. Yeah, smoking can kill you..but, so can eating too much cheese..clog up those arteries but go ahead its not like you know what your doing. I don't even give a fuck. I'm just pissed at my home situation. DRUGS! i need drugs and dick!

(make me fake it, baybee. )

dare! ..okay, go slap that guy's ass...o0p, he's gay.." *lol* [20 Oct 2002|08:22pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

eric and angel





*lol* my friends always look so happy, eh?

Eric's was fantabulous! *hehe* I got to his house yesterday morning we hung out until the afternoon. Then, we went to the movies we saw white oleander..it was okay. We walked around this little shopping center.

eric: does it look okay?
me: yeah, your eyes look purrdy
me: well, everyone's eyes look purrrdy with eye liner..

Got bored, went back to his house, hung out some more. Went to starbucks. Got movies. We rented enough and the craft. Enough was a pretty good movie..we were too tired to watch the craft..oh well, we've seen that movie at least 20x. We argued about going to sleep..@ 3:00a

eric: you wanna go to sleep?
me: do you?
eric: do you?
me: do you?
eric: don't turn around the question!
me: huh? *drowsy glare*
eric: wanna go nightnight?
me: do you?
eric: do you?
...

me: do you?

...

eric: nah..

me: you do..i know..

eric: well, do you?

*lol* finally..we did. Then, he woke me up at 8:00a..we got dressed went to coco's had breakfast..then, to starbucks. angel came over to starbucks..then we all went to eric's..angel is seXy! *haha* he is! for some reason i dig him mucho! *lol* [[this is the 5th weekend in a row that i've hung w/him]]..then my gram picked me up we went to the mountains and hung out with la famille. Sean is so precious!! *sigh*! seriously. He giggles and smiles so much. *hehe* =D Then, we drove back down i got really sick..and here I am...hello!

and i'm talkin' to mr. steve..

*happy days*

no doubt, hot hair, starbucks=dancing

history time!

(2 blank stares | make me fake it, baybee. )

the princesses of the famille.. [19 Oct 2002|12:24am]
[ mood | grateful ]





I ended up not going to borders eric bailed on me..so, I called rach and she told me to come hang with her and luke. We were messing around with my tape recorder. OMG! It's totally hilarious. we were singing feliz navidad. *ahaha* She dyed her hair really dark too so we really look like sisters. You really can't tell in the pictures but everyone thinks we are sisters. Well, we should look like eachother we are cousins but..yeah. She has a damien boy to her name now. *ahaha* she met him at a game or something. matt and ray, her cousins on her mom's side, are pretty darn kute.

Welp, it's off to eric's tomorrow morning and then my gram is gonna pick me up on sunday morning from eric's and we are heading to the mountains to see my famille. =]

I had a goodtime today. I can't wait to go to las vegas with rach.

I'm mildly sleepy *yawn*

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