"written 10.21.02 in algebra class: you ever feel like your walking around your life? like things occur but when you think about them it just seems like another act in a play, your life is an ongoing performance. I can never really look at my life from the inside. I'm never experiencing, I'm just playing the part. Whether is be dissatisfied daughter, confident friend, argumentative granddaughter, or mad-sad girl..once I realize what role suits me best for that situation, i follow suit. The bad thing is when real things happen I can't just react I have to think "how would I think in this situation?" I find myself feeling so sure about everything and everyone. It makes me have an ego the size of an air balloon. Living in this way, thinking non-stop about my life, myself, I begin to lose reality. When I get home, and I have to live and act for myslef I draw a blank...???..."
I'm on the brink of sadness..and happiness..uneasy
what went wrong?
-haven't talked to bry or mon in weeks, but I don't care enough to actually call them. *hahaha* who would've thought that the love of my life and my best friend of 5 years would suddenly just disappear..heh, i guess that's how life goes..detach time
-broke my diet [[it's a whole mental game I play with myself]]
-my grades suck
but she's still smiling..
-my mom and i worked out are differences, for the moment
-i got my license
-my dad and i are talking [[???]]
-i'm starting yoga classes
-my fun cousins[[rach, nic, pat, joey, sean, luke, nessa..]]
-sugar plum and little fry [[even though I feel like they are plotting againist me sometimes]] paranoia
-will & grace
i could go one for days because simple things make me happy..
-steve [[my pretty baybee *lol*]] ...???..
Well, it looks like there is more happy than sad..hmm..
on the way to the mountains my gram and i had this long conversation about love..it was beautiful..
i told mother that I would do the dishes so I must be off..