mystery fix (belledefleur24) wrote,
mystery fix
belledefleur24

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wilted

they say i'm jaded because they know it's true..

to be honest, i don't really like writing what i think because i get bored so quickly. I get dissatisfied with typing or even writing about things that I really don't want to explain for fear that i come off too weak or i don't really even know how to explain. But, considering the day i've had i'm gonna risk it and dive head first into this whole "writing what i'm actually feeling" business. Bear with me, that's even if you got to this sentence without being completely uninterested.

I woke up feeling empty and alone, how i have been feeling a lot this week. *rolls eyes* and it's because bryan is back and my emotions are exposed for everyone to play with. oh, heh, and maybe because I gave into my dad and we kinda are on speaking terms. That's the hard part about feeling after you try so hard not to feel for sucha longtime. Every little thing hits your heart hard and kinda makes you emotionally dizzy for a couple days or in some cases a couple weeks. The good news about this week is that I have made amends with my lovely and dear friend monica. *smiles* We have been through so much together and I'm glad that we worked things out. I wanted something temporarily pain altering today so bad. I had a fight with my mother about her incompetence and lack of being around, for the 100th time this year..or lifetime. She got offended and we had our bicker for about 20 mins and of course, i cried because i'm weak as hell. Sure, I was strong enough to say stuff to make her feel bad but by doing this does that even qualify as being strong or just more fucking weak? So, she left and I cried in my sad corner and listened to mindless..heh. good 'ol mindless. Laying on the floor, in the dark, loud music blasting from my small computer speakers and all i wanted is some kind of pill and a drink. I seriously considered ending it but don't get all fucked up and think i want attention because I don't even have the guts to tie the rope into a nuse or get the glass of vodka to suck down all those aspirins with. I can't do it because I have a little voice screaming in my head, telling me, giving me hope that I might have a better future where I don't have to rely on so many people. Maybe, to just keep on going. Okay, suicide, out of the question. what else is there..i wanted drugs so bad and I probably would have done them if I had them but lack of energy to figure out how to get some and lack of transportation left me with me tears on my cheek and jimmy in my ears. My mom came back and was afraid to leave me alone but I told her it was alright I didn't bullshit with her I told her just what I told you now not to worry because I'm weak and I can't end it. So, she left kinda hesatently..but brought back fight club<3 and mulhulland[[sp?]] drive. Then, she went with sam and I have a feeling that they talked about me because when they came back he was a nervous and asking me if I was okay. whatever. But, fight club made me happy..it was fantasic. seriously it was enchanting. We are having all these complications with the car my dad is sending down..not with the actual car but how to get down and everything. He felt really bad that he couldn't bring it down and he hated that he disapponted me but to tell you the truth I wasn't disappoitned. From an early age my father told me that he will disappoint me constantly and to get over it life isn't perfect. But, now when he actually has to try and care, i don't, but he knows i'll drop him faster than a raw egg in an egg toss if he does anything to hurt me or even make me mad. People know not to fuck with me because they know they are wasting their time because I probably don't even care if the waste their oxygen on me and then they leave drained trying to hurt me. suckaz. Speaking of people, Matt Garcia..yes, Mateo himself saw my picture in mon's locker and i guess was amazed and I guess it doesn't help when mon tries to make him hard by telling him in detail what I was wearing on halloween. *lol* ;] He wanted me to go to their game. Whatever..you know how emotionally scaring that relationship was? I think I aged 5 years. It's been like 8 months since we last spoke and now he wants some. fuck him. But who knows I'm so fucking lost and broken that I don't really even want to care so why not get with an enemy. fuck it. Haven't been able to get a hold of eric. kinda miss that boy. I'm so not into bull shitting right now, so if you talk to me and I don't respond as usual that's because I'm not acting for you. Deal with it. I really don't know what else to write about i mean I could probably go on forever but i know that would suck. Well, all that's left is that six feet ender rocked today jeremy sisto<3 and again fight club kicked major fucking ass! We will see how mullhul...makes it later this evening. movies are my sanctuary.
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