when does the pain stop and the pleasure begin..or is it one in the same? intertwined like the muscles above a women's uterus. I think that it can be one is the same. I felt like laying down while taking a shower once again today but i turned off all the lights. i can't really explain the pure emotions i'm feeling. they are extremely intense. i feel like if anyone touches me emotionally or physically i'm gonna explode with feeling. all my insides are pushing against the surface waiting it barge out at any second. if my life really was a movie and i had special effects and all that shit it would have been like my mind getting to a point of no foreseen return and suddenly slits appearing all over my body and thick dark blood such a deep red it looked black, would ooze out. i laid there for 2 hours..with water that sporadically changed temperature hitting me..thinking the most intense thoughts. i thought that i was going to combust. fuck. if someone were to suck that feeling out of me i think it would be glowing that's how much energy and shit is in it. i kinda wanna a physical showing of my feelings. i want my body to show me what's going on. i seriously doubt that slits are gonna suddenly appear or fire is gonna come of my skin but i really wish that my body was that powerful. then, i was thinking wouldn't it be kool if i was surrounded by ice and i turned blue. heh. i mean, i don't think i will ever really be able to explain what i felt and what i'm still kinda feeling but all i know is that it gave me so many kool movie ideas or scenes or what have you. i am screaming internally. mental adrenaline. during all of these combustication thoughts, feelings, etc. i couldn't help but notice all my imperfections they shined through like strands of light in a dark room. then i just wanted to leave my body and become the wind. i felt so ugly. i can't take it anymore. well, i'm not gonna go into too much detail about that. it doesn't feel right. the point is now everything is extreme, chaotic, intense, magnified, amazing, full of wonder, full of pleasure, so indulgent.